I scissor kicked a one legged man last night.
He was trying to put me in handcuffs.
You have my attention.
And, I saw Emily's panties. How? She doesn't sit like a lady.
just caught my little brother jacking off the family pet
She's never had brie before last night, don't know if I can date a girl that doesn't like soft cheeses.
i just turned the eviction notice into a beer pong list
i'm naked playing bejeweled blitz in your bed. this is both a forewarning and an apology
There is a girl in my drunk limo who hasn't seen an uncircumcised penis. Hook me up with a picture.
I warned you. Don't come crying to me when your vagina refuses to forgive you for this.
Wanna shave the hair on my back? If you're offended I was joking, if not I'll bring booze and maybe you can do other regions too.
If your gig isn't over in 30 minutes I am coming on that stage to come on your dick.
I was going to text you that earlier, but I felt like before 10 was probably to early to bring up boners
You're like my little fucked up version of the groundhog seeing its shadow, only it's boobs and warm weather.
I am more than mildly offended he didn't screenshot the snapchat of my boobs.
I mean, I'm shallow, narcissistic, and selfish, but I'm an amazing friend sometimes
Well I just masturbated while reading a recipe for Alfredo sauce so I guess you could say I’m growing up
Randomize
