go do what you do best...puke behind churches
Dude you can't like a status about me getting hit by a car
i just opened a seperate checking account to keep track of how much i make and spend on our keggers
My mom is helping me re-arrange my room to make New Year's more hook-up friendly
I'm gonna need a helmet and adult supervision by 9...
The staff doesn't like it when you try and take your wheelchair for a joy ride since I've been waiting for an hour and a half.
TAKE ALL THE MAERHMALLOWS AND PUT THEM ALL IN THE MAGICAL NIGHTSTAND
First memory of my senior year: Going into registration still drunk from last night.
We passed out in his car so I had to find a way to inconspiciously make my walk of shame back inside to go get my shit. To make things more difficult I had no pants and the whole neighborhood was awake
Me and the cabbie are stopping on the way at a sit down restaurant to eat. My life is so sad.
I spent the day drinking wine and meditating. I'm zen as fuck.
i wore just an American flag as my costume-huge success. 20 people pledged allegiance to my ass including a senior frat boy at the keg. God bless America.
I need a light and a towel. ive got cum in places ive never had cum before.
So here's a tip: don't give a blowjob the same morning you're going to the dentist. Cuz they will think you have "mouth trauma."
Yes I’m serious. I just worked YOUR 12 hour shift on 3 hours of sleep if you come over without tacos and an ice cream cake in hand we are done
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