Call me "white mamba"
Your dick is not a dangerous deadly poisonous snake
It is white.
When I'm drunk and can't pee, I sing my abc's in my head and try to pee before I get to pee. Last night I forgot to do it in my head
you wanted the guy to gift wrap the condoms
i think he was starting go for a boob grab when we both realized the middle of a public tennis court wasn't the place
Hey. Be honored that I consider you the genital expert. I know alot of candidates for the position.
I won't be able to make it. Too hung over. Can't hold down fluids. I'm in the bathtub trying to hydrate my body through osmosis. And yes, Tequila Tuesday is totally still on for tonight.
He asked me out while I'm back in town. I have to acknowledge and honor his persistence.
Your vagina must be laced with cocaine...
Today I left one job interview, showed up randomly at his house for a midday bootycall then left right after to attend my second job interview. I got both jobs
Our relationship needs a sober moment
I'll call you when that happens
In hindsight, drunkenly yelling "I'M TICKLISH" might not have been an entirely wise decision
literally took my pants off in the middle of bourbon last night without taking off my heels im a super human i guess
He fucked me while wearing a unicorn horn. I think I have found the one...
I literally am filling up a victoria's secret bag with stuff that would give my parents a heart attack to hide in my roommates' room. This is being an adult when parents visit
Im playing a game I have to take a drink every time my gram asks me the same question hammered by 4 guaranteed...
I puked on someone's floor last night and then they proceeded to ask me on a date.
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