That cute girl I hooked up with last night clawed my back to hell and gave me a hickey. I look like a white trash warewolf victim
rough night. sneezed a watermelon seed this morning and apparently I drunk dialed my boss for a ride home. twice.
i'd fuck the guy who invented dead baby jokes.
i'm drinking with a bunch of phds, i feel very stupid but good about my drinking abilities
I woke up at 3am naked and stroking a watermelon.
watching my parents drink 4 loko out of usf cups playing pool and rocking out to ACDC...
Can I come live with you?
Day 5 without masturbation. Fat chicks are back on the table
I haven't seen him since I gave him a hand job in the hospital. I like to think I contributed to his speedy recovery.
I let my cat eat the pepperonis off of my pizza while I was still eating it. That's the level of tequila drunk I got last night.
God I adore you.
Needs to be more caveman. "Me kill roommate. You watch. Then sex time with our genitals."
The amount of knuckle children I've had to the Farrah Abraham sex tape is disturbing and impressive
I just got the most majestic image of a potato sack full of dildos getting whipped at your head in slow motion.
This time tomorrow I will be drunk and in a voodoo shop
i don't want him to see me in a bathing suit.
hasn't he seen you naked?
well yeah, but it's different in a bathing suit.
april was a good month for me, sexually...doubled my number, had a threesome, fucked a girl for the first time and two different boys in one night. there should be a medal
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