um i just realized that some of the people at my family reunion look inbred. thats not a good sign.
hahaha beady eyes set close together? defs inbred.
my dads cousin just put a cig in his dogs mouth and says, "look its a commercial for newport!" holy hell i hope im adopted.
I just had to explain to the pharmacy cashier that the Plan B and thank you notes I was buying were not related.
if i get the "i'm engaged" text one more time, i'm going to shoot myself in the face so my cats won't eat it when i die alone.
He kept calling my vagina a magic clam, and it was speaking to him, telling him to feed it his penis. I played along.
Lucas & I had a photo shoot with her cape & I had child arm floaties on most the night.. woke up in a spiderman bed
So fucking hammered. Is this all spelled right? I'm holding it up to my eye. I am on a boulder. I feel like an owl
This guy keeps going off in the metal detector. When is it appropriate for me to punch him in the throat just in case?
Not yoga, whiskey. Totally mis-typed whiskey.
I may have just poured a honey apple beer onto a dried apple slice to rehydrate it. This is my day.
MEAN GIRLS IS ON NETFLIX! I REPEAT, MEAN GIRLS IS ON NETFLIX! THIS IS NOT A DRILL! I LITERALLY NOW HAVE TO CANCEL ALL OF MY WEEKEND PLANS.
You used your chihuahua as a pillow screaming "HE'S A PILLOW AND A PET" and proceeded to puke in the dog bed
Maid of honor screwed up the joke so I just got to explain what a strap on is and why a married lady might want one to Grandma and my brother's wedding shower.
I just shook glitter of my birth control packet so I’d say it’s safe to say it was a good weekend
Idk if I want to put a bra on
You turned down sex for fried cheese??
My penis and doctor won't be happy with me, but come on. Fried cheese!
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