Fun fact of the day the average american will consume 13248 beers in their lifetime.
So for us it's double that?
Precisely.
She helped me organize my comics and then blew me. This is the one.
Wasn't a date. In exchange for artichoke dip I received a bj. And sex. It was a transaction.
somehow, even strange, drunk, middle-aged men on the RTA can't understand why he'd choose her over me
maybe it's because you talk to strange, drunk, middle-aged men on the RTA
You fucked everything up-can't pass a cleared kitchen table without getting hard
I filled this oven with as much Pizza as I could, and I've been eating out of it for three days.
Just ate the last piece. Refilling the oven.
You wore a man's plastic top hat last night.
No I didn't. Whiskey did.
So I'm about to drive his drunk ass home and he spits on my car. Before I can say, "Dude, what the fuck?!", he puts his finger to my lips and goes "shhh, its in the past."
Pro: She likes to masturbate to 50 shades of grey. Con: She reads 50 Shades of grey non-ironically.
I slipped in the shower today and broke my lighter..
this is a preemptive text before you call me freaking out: i have your keys and your car is parked safely a block down from your apartment.
you are a goddess
you said "i met the love of my life tonight" and i said "me?" and you said "no, hummus"
Ran up to the dollar store to get batteries for my vibrator. Happy Valentines Day!
We showed up to the ER to pick him up and I was still wearing face paint from the game. Then I threw up in the sink. Those doctors did not like us at all.
I just found a baklava I forgot I got last night so we can call it a day
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