Pissed on my Blackberry at the Astros game. Wish me luck explaining that one at work.
i threw up in over 4 different places last night. it was like a world tour
i hate when u poo a lot and when u wipe theres no poopy residue on the TP. it makes me feel like my butt hole is hiding something from me. just had 2tell sum1.
having my hair in braids makes puking so easy. i am being an indian every halloween
she said "i got this" and then fell on her face. within grabbing distance of the wall and her boyfriend
You would not believe how incredibly hard it is to climb on top of a three story apartment buildings roof from the air conditioning unit
We will have to go big on the 4th! Nothing says independence like the impending doom of an ankle monitor
My text message history should be ashamed of itself right now.
Going through Bojangles drive thru chanting "KFC" hammered at 8:00 was the highlight.
I rather not break my neck. It's hard to look sexy with a neck cast.
What part of don't open in front of your kids didn't you understand? Astroglide, magnums, fuzzy handcuffs and a blindfold are going to be hard to explain as friends presents.
because of daylight savings time I lost an hour of sex with an incredibly hot guy last night. thanks a lot farmers.
She drunkenly dropped her ranch for her pizza. She tried to clean it up with her hands off the street then realized it didn't work and started licking her fingers.
hooked up with someone last night while wearing walrus pajama pants. clearly I'm accomplishing big things in life
I just found an old slice of LIME in my wallet?????????
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