So I'm eating my burger minding my own business, when the guy next to me starts up a conversation. Seemed normal at first, stocks, bonds, etc...then he said...and I quote "I can push a bowling-ball up a flight of stairs with my tongue." As I awkwardly laughed he broke out "I bet you I could bite the head off of a rabbit."
The only birthday messages I got from men were from my 8th grade boyfriend and the bouncer at our bar. I think I'm doing something wrong in life.
We almost died tonight..we almost die every night. but tonight was the closest by far
It smelled like mall pretzels. Of course I investigated.
I feel like my vagina stays drunk longer than the rest of me. It's always super sensitive and hungry the day after drinking.
Just paid my credit card bill at the bar. This phone makes it so I never have to leave
im the best fifth wheel. all four of them separately bribed me to never speak of what happened last night
I think they make you graduate because you get too old to go hard and become a risk. homecoming weekend wins again. fuck.
Whatever, I used my iphone to send an Escalade to pick up a booty call last week. For free. It is futuristic as fuck out here.
no, I didn't go in the end. Too hungover and hot, plus Star Wars is on so obviously I'm having a naked day.
I swear going to your house is like going to a strip club, no matter what happens I get glitter on me.
They made up a new version of "Smash or Pass" called "I would(n't) let you sit on my face" to yell at the freshman
The awkward moment your booty call shows up to the Mexican restaurant and realizes you just picked burritos over pussy
All I remember is you shouting "THIS KID IS A FREAKIN' NINJA!!" when he dive rolled over a barbed wire fence and proceeded to ask for his 18th beer.
you were just in my dream and you looked at me and said "Christmas is cold." I think you're wasted even in my dreams.
Randomize
