I have to get up uber early tomorrow. Which is why I started drinking early today
she's walking around the room telling people she can make the room move with her mind and then she shakes her head really fast yelling 'see?!'
I cant watch the real world now after jersey shore. its like trying to go back to vagina once uve had anal
i'm drunk and confused. there might be a 4 year old here.
We eventually had to ration the melon vodka. 10 pushups per shot. THATS why my arms hurt
I'm drinking too much free beer
Thats like saying one owns too many kittens. It's not possible.
In honor of the internet blackout, I think everyone needs to change their Facebook pictures to ones of them being blacked out.
Yep if he's taking selfies he's probably on drugs again.
I never thought I would have to arrest my own parents on a sunday night
If you bet guys that you can drink them under the table they will pay for your drinks all night until they pass out. I have this down to a science that I think even my dad would appreciate.
Will you rub my calves while I masturbate?
*swallows 40 gallons of heavy water and astral projects into buzzfeed* Top Ten Reasons Why I Am God
The only thing I remember about us having sex is yelling at him to choke me.
What time is our conjugal visit?
Umm...who is this?
He was eating me out on a samsung washing machine and as soon as I came, I heard the "end of cycle" song. That tune will now always remind me of the screaming, multiple orgasms I recieved tonight!
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