If you don't sleep with him after showing him your thong with the bow, I am no longer on your side.
I mean he's a cool ass guy, but he's genuinely in love with a fat chick. I just can't take him seriously as a person.
i gave you head in a backbend. if that doesnt say happy birthday i dont know what does.
I can't wait till you move in so I can stop drinking alone.
it's a Wednesday?
:)
im destined to be single forever. i hope its okay if your kids come and hang out with my cats.
Grandpa got a dui while riding a horse. This is what I need to live up to.
Based off of the soaking wet clothes/towels/rugs, Eiffel Tower statue and monkey in the bathtub, I'm going to assume drunk me took a bath.
Are you really alive right now?
Well that was the first and last time I've had to write "divorce party" on a request time off form. I'm throwing it for my mom. What is my life turning into.
Being a slave to ur dick is exhausting.
fuck you I'm eating salad I can't be drunk.
Also what’s the official rule on washing one guy’s jizz off my back before I go out with another guy? That I should?
You kicked my dad IN THE NUTS right when he walked in.
Sorry, man. Thought he was a cop.
DAMN HIS BEARD AND ABILITY TO USE TOOLS ON A LADDER!!
he said he's going to burn things and pack his stuff. he may leave tomorrow supposedly but i doubt it
She’s super into those renaissance faires. But, if you can’t actually stab anyone, what’s the point?
Randomize