My body has become completely dependent on Text Twist. I can't poop without it.
dude.. you lit a cigarette on the bus and told the driver it was okay because you were fire marshall of your boy scout troop
Looking at the victoria's secret website makes the ice cream I'm eating taste like sadness and obesity
she likes to give head while listening to britney spears, getting blown by a girl with headphones on is a nice level of separation
i will be the first lesbian to ever fail women's studies.
My boss walked in on me puking in the urinal while taking a piss. Sunday funday is eroding my last shred of credibility at work.
Really stoned me is having a very serious, intent conversation with my mom about egg rolls and koolaid flavors.
Got back to find Sarah in her underwear eating peanut butter and watching Arrested Development with the thermostat at eighty.
For Halloween this year I'm going to paint myself in gold, wear a golden toga and sash saying " cunt goddess"
I'm in too deep with Breaking Bad. I realized I've altered my Tinder likes to people that either look like Jesse or work in a school's Science department.
My life is a video game called get the drunk princess back to her castle, thank you to all that participated
Going to the ER, I'll explain later but apparently drunk me isn't allergic to peanut butter.
I'm pretty sure that's why we have such good sex because we are secretly trying to kill each other
Two things. 1) party at my house this Friday 2) what was the name of the Australian you fucked on the cruise ship?
Is it sad or funny that I just bought two pregnancy test at the dollar store to give away to people on New Year's Eve while driving for Uber.
Randomize
