ha- omfg whatt the fuck is wrong w me. Alcohol+third cousins= bad decisions
I'll let you put expensive food in me, but really, not much else.
I think i found my new favorite workout. Go to a party where you dont know anybody and constantly walk around the house so you dont look awkward standing alone. im up to 1.8 miles
Nothing says I've got my life together like buying a jumbo bottle of 7$ wine in sweat pants on a monday night
She gave me head while using a laptop on my stomach to go online. I've never seen a better feat of multitasking.
i just remembered that i did the "single ladies" dance ON THE BAR...fuck you slippery nipples i curse the day i discovered you
I am expending an amazing amount of energy to not throw up right now
We interrupt your regularly scheduled Saturday morning programming with this important announcement: you are not the father. I repeat not the father. Congratulations and have a nice day.
I'm 25 and I shit my bed last night. And I'm telling you about it. Not sure which is worse
Your father is wrapped in a table cloth singing, "America Fuck Yeah!" You are missing the time of your life.
i would never take his side over yours. you coulda gotten knocked up from another dude and i'd be right there next to you blaming it on him saying some shit like "his sperm were just too sub par for you" or "shoulda had a bigger penis"
I am laying in your bed and just found a bottle of wine under your pillow ...should have married you...
As soon as I got there, you appeared out of no where, yelled "they're giving away free cigarettes!" in my face and then disappeared and I didn't see you the rest of the night.
1st date with cop went weird. He yelled at me & we had a horrible date. Walking to the car I tripped & started bleeding & then he made out with me. Is it wrong that I want to see him again?
THIS IS WHY YOU NEED THERAPY!
At some point i am going to say to you "i have this really bad idea! You in? " just go with it.
Randomize
