Dude, I just saw a bird vs. squirrel fight. A car won.
She went to the bathroom before i broke up with her so i changed all 2500 of her songs on her computer to "I'm a cheating whore"
She pulled a cheeseburger out of her purse. I have missed her so much.
We found your brother, passed out, floating in our pool, with a bottle, on a blow up mattress. How did he mange to walk 2 blocks and get into our backyard?
He told me he was 'pondering the natural wonder that is my ass'
Like, dude. I'm already fucking you, you don't need to wax poetic.
Isn't he wasted enough that he might actually mean it and not just be trying to get you to fuck him without a condom?
Vodka @ 9pm. Library. Nothing can go wrong, I promise.
I know I said I wouldn't, but he told me I looked like Mila Kunis. Reasons not to fuck him, go.
She fucked me for a ride to the airport. If this is what the rest of college is like, I'm never graduating.
I don't know... But I do think this is probably the longest series of texts we've written discussing your cock. David was right, it is a brave new world. Also, slow day at work again?
You started an entire relationship based only on sex and emoticons.
You were outside cuddling a rock singing Bohemian Rhapsody.
Ultimate fat girl moment: I promised him my mouth for the night if he bought me a funnel cake..
So we are in the middle of sex and his brother knocks on the door and says "dude I just wanted to know if you want to see the fish I got tonight"
I threw up in a wendys bag in her car. when i went to throw it out the window it exploded all over me. No I don't think there will be a second date.
I accidentally sent my dad a very explicit Star Wars fanfiction and he replied with "That was great!"
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