If she catches me sniffing the seat of her office chair again, she's either going to fire me or fuck me
Speaking of morons, I just found half a Subway sandwich in the bathroom drawer You or your brother?
she asked me if i can do her a favor, came over, and gave me head then left. i still dont understand how that was a favor for her.
Watching dad use Doritos to illustrate exactly where to locate the clitoris. How's your family christmas going?
There's cake. And donuts. And strippers. It's like 5 year old me and 20 year old me are throwing a party together...
I'm not sure if it was sex or spear fishing. He goes in for it like he's crash landing a rocket
Once you mention butt plugs, conversations always take a turn for the worst.
Sometimes I love sober logical me. She makes rare appearances but when she does she shines.
only thing in my fruit bowl is 4 champagne corks and a jenga piece . Tuesday.
Don't mind me. My boyfriend is carrying me because I'm broken not because I'm drunk.
It's not even 9:30 yet..
I just got a girl to make out with me just by saying "get at me." Get at me
SOME BITCH AT THE HOSTEL STOLE MY NUT BUTTER THERE WILL BE BLOOD
His middle name is Julius so I named his penis Caesar and told him he has to say "Hail Caesar!" whenever he comes. He didn't seem to like the idea, though.
I'm in love. Her name is Jamie. She's beautiful. She punched me in the face.
Lol, perhaps. But the drinks are so cheap, the music is better, and the bartenders and bouncers all know my name. I can't abandon it, even if it is a gay bar, its still my Nirvana.
Randomize
