My grandmass entire neighborhood is over for dessert and i'm high as fuck...about to make a couple of freshman boys real uncomfortable
Freshman in high school? Just your type
Hallmark should totally make "congratulations on getting your period" cards...I feel they would be quite popular.
Stop being a whore!!! Everyone can see!!!!
i would totally change schools right now just to be that new girl everyone wants
Just realized after we're done pre-gaming for St. Patricks Day, we have March Madness, the first day of spring, and Easter to pre-game for. March is a great month.
i put that paper plate back in your cabinet because i ate all the ketchup off and you can't even tell. you're welcome.
when you greet her, try not to lead with "this night will end with you on top of me". first impressions, bro.
Discovered that a nalgene holds an entire bottle of wine. Going mobile. Come find me.
He hasn't responded, but he probably just jizzed in his shorts again, so I'll give him time.
An old lady WILL get vomited on today.
I never thought I would have to arrest my own parents on a sunday night
I've had more sex since the twins moved in than I'd had in the previous four years. They are the best wingman ever.
Bill says he deeply regrets the incident with the soda bottle
Sitting in the dr office she literally looked at my throat and goes have you been having oral intercourse
Do not let Mike show you his naughty Santa Claus outfit. It's a super long beard and crotchless pants.
Randomize
