im in an endless cycle of being too hung over to eat all day...then getting too drunk because i didnt eat anything. where is my life going?
Google Chrome's "top 8 most visited sites" page has become my motivation to stop masturbating
is the shake weight an appropriate valentine's day present?
Well hello freshman 15, didn't see you there until I tried on last years summer clothes.
i dont mean to point any fingers but there is a lot of urine in the kitchen
There is nothing wrong with wanting a slide attached to your staircase
Somewhere between the 2 hours of sex and her urgently rushing to work she manged to steal all $329.33 in my jeans. Worst one night stand ever, she even took the pennies.
He said he wanted to have butt sex with me and curl up with me after and just be near me. Then he passed out.
sorry for the naked aussie man in your room last night, he got lost on his way to the bathroom
Listen to me plotting my whoredom.
Grandpa got a dui while riding a horse. This is what I need to live up to.
By the way I peed in a mug last night cause you were in the bathroom and im pretty sure it is still in the kitchen.
I AM A HOUSE CAT. I CANNOT DO THIS LION BUSINESS WE CALL THE SINGLE LIFE
I HAVE PIZZA MONEY AT ALL TIMES IT'S CALL EMERGENCY PLANNING
He’s 48, has a Prince Albert piercing and a white Range Rover
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