I wish your couch was made out of beer. I would drink like half of it.
I told my ex i loved him and then he sent me a picture of this girl laying on his bed.
I didn't cheat on him. Cheating means finding out. I made sure he was at work first. After the guy left I got shitfaced just so nothing seemed out of the ordinary when he came home.
I'm drinking a margarita out of my 'best bj' trophy and it tastes like victory.
Dude. She told me she felt bad for not giving me more blojobs. HOW COULD THAT HAVE GONE BETTER?
just wrote a 6 page paper on my blackberry. including 3 sources. college is teaching me good things so far.
I am wrecking havoc on the skinny girls by going home with the big one. She is taking me to see her dog now.
No one ever gets any after sleeping with her. She is like the broken mirror of hookups, enjoy 7 years of blue ball. Don't say I didn't warn you
If I could drive and get you Starbucks I would... But that's probably not a good idea. On account of the drugs.
It's like your tits told gravity 'fuck you, I'm fine right here!'
I recently had a rabies scare because I thought putting socks on my hands to pick up a squirrel that got in my house was a good idea.
WHAT HAS MY LIFE COME TO I'M MAKING A SCARF FOR A PENIS
Still drunk. lying on the floor just rubbing my cats nipples
honestly, you deserve someone taller anyways
I don't know why, but whenever I shave my balls I feel more aerodynamic.
Randomize