you were so high you spent the rest of the night smelling pepper to prove you can sneeze with your eyes open
Just heard the new 'We are the world' ... Can I get my 10 bucks for Haiti back?
id like to know how you successfully locked me in your backseat last night
did i call you last night crying about tacos and the royal wedding again?
It's ok. I will share any beautiful men that I drug and leave unconscious on my bed. I'm that kind of friend.
There is a chick at the bar in a bumble bee onesie, complete with wings. Yeah, I must be back in Seattle.
One of my students submitted a thesis proposal to find the exact correlation between desire for sexual intercourse and vaginal heat.
Tell me you accepted it! This is critical fucking research!
Pretty sure my idea of standards went out the window when I hooked up with a guy who had a rooster tattoo with an arrow pointing down to his no no bits. Think about it.
It's like my uterus was saying, "hey, you're not pregnant, but imagine if you were!"
sidebar: i fucked your brother last night
FOUND MY PANTIES COMINY JOME
Hey! How are you feeling? Still preferring soup over sex?
Holy shit last night was like the irresponsible Olympics for me
I felt like I should've driven him home but I was holding in a fart and just needed him to leave
I love her so much I can forgive her for wearing crocs
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