Five things that make you perfect. Go.
The skin of a dead hooker. The blood of the innocent. The soul of a kitten. The hat from cat in the hat. And sunglasses.
Is it weird i consider You Sexy Thing our song?
you traded sex for a burrito?
if i found out she had a dick after i got head, does that still make me gay?
I feel like I'm a marionette being lifted around. Four Loko.
you can now officially say a girl has shaved your initials into her pubes. welcome to the club.
Well I'm 85-90% sure that he licked syrup off my body, but no guarantees...
I heard about the break up and if you need a place to stay my vagina is open for you 24/7
I want to let you in on my two latest life goals. Have a photograph of me squirting whipped cream into a midget's mouth, and have sex on a roof.
Nooo, I ran into two if my exes, both having their engagement parties at the bar. It was like a fucking Eskimo family reunion, but with more tequila.
I tried to light my cup as a bong. I'm done drinking
The spirit of America is being too hungover to celebrate America right?
well we woke up in different beds than the ones we originally fell asleep in, you were butt naked, and your boyfriend was sleeping on a cot in the middle of the kitchen. that might be why he's mad.
Dick pics just aren’t doing it for me, this bowl of Mac n cheese and Game of Thrones trump you tenfold
I'm really sorry I called you a "smug, arrogant, boyfriend-fucking piece of defecation". I was super drunk.
I was going to be mad, but then I remembered you don't use autocorrect and spelled everything correctly and I was kinda impressed.
Randomize
