Never write on a napkin "my face, your boobs" with your phone number and give it to a girl. Just a tip of the day from my nightly experiences lol.
We need to hang out more often
Gfs sis is in town. Its awkwardly obv that we want to fuck each other.
playing new game: drink everytime u see someone at the beach with a tramp stamp, double if u guess it before u see it, triple for male tramp stamps
warning: blackouts possible when playing in ocean city or anywhere in new jersey
Should I go home with him even though I know my Run DMC undies have skid marks on them?
he accidentally used the toothbrush i use to induce my bulemia...i feel like this is something he shouldnt find out...
i just set an alarm for noon. fuck yes winter break.
you hid your keys in a box of lucky charms because drunk you was apparently going to eat them for breakfast...
Just got done fucking the squirter chick. She came when we were in a 69. I now know what it's like to be water boarded.
I'm laying in the fetal position on the floor of my kitchen eating potato salad with my fingers. Please come over with some real food and keep me company.
Whatever. I hate you. My vagina hates you. I hope a bird shits on your head today.
So my flight takes off at 8am. Does this mean I need to break my airport bar pre-flight ritual?
Aren't you the one who taught me that airports are the judgement-free drinking zone?
I feel like a pile of chihuahua shit that got eaten by a Great Dane who puked it up and then set it on fire.
One of the finest moments in my life was when I was puking in between my legs as I was shitting, and thought to myself "hmm this shall be called shomiting."
Well you went to the bar with your crutches last night & everyone including the DJ started chanting "put your crutches in the air"
I just woke and had to fish my phone out of a bowl of chili. I was wrist deep in it. WHO BROUGHT CHILI TO A PARTY?!
its not chili. and you brought it.
Randomize
