so i slept on a park bench last night...no hobo
It made me feel like I need a reality show of my life so I could go back and watch the episodes to figure out how I got from the trunk of the car to my neighbors tree house...
just fyi, hangover + ice skates = really bad idea
The stories of what you did in Cuba got home before you.
Yeah sketchy neighborhood.. Some woman ran by screaming, "i didn't steal anything" as some cops rolled up and arrested her.
I pulled my bra outta my purse. Covered in honey mustard. I still lack an explanation.
I'm sitting in Starbucks, waiting for direction in my life, or it to be 8 p.m. Whatever comes first.
There's no way I'm ready for marriage. I have too many pics of other guys' junk on my phone for an eternal commitment right now.
are we fucking for lunch or am I using my vibrator ?
Everytime I get drunk I wake up hugging the bag of bagels from three months ago
I have a 30 pack and enough condoms to last until tomorrow morning. Have Mystery Science Theater 3000 ready. I'm on my way over.
Sometimes I think he has a hidden camera in my vagina so he knows what I'm doing and saying at all times...
I'm sorry that you wanted to get laid and I all I did was play with your new cat instead.
Threw up on break at work. That brings our collective tally to 9 times. We can never drink like that on a monday again
He screamed, "Let there be light!" when he came
Randomize
