apparently the 911 operator took drunk dialing waaayy too seriously
you probably should not have drank the wine that everyone spits out. and the sad part, that was not even your low point last night
Microwave minutes are longer than normal minutes.
i tried to hook up with a mom and then her husband came with num chucks
Day 3 of Lent and I would already kill a puppy if God would give me permission to masturbate
RJ thinks I should put one of the muffins in my vagina. Good idea or bad idea?
i just saw some one pass a baby through the drive-thru window at dairy queen.
I had fun. Till he melissa etheridged my ass and came to my window.
in hindsight, the duct tape banana hammock was a bad idea.
thanks for leaving the note with the doctor's recommendations for my lip, they are dissolvable stitches right?
I'm drinking and working out! I'm bench pressing the beer pong table and doing push ups and lifting the chair.
if you're wondering why I texted you some girl's name at 4 am it's because you wanted to Facebook stalk the girl who gave that Irish guy we met at the Chinese food place her license and said 'call me'
Maybe? I'm not shaving my pubes for a maybe type of night.
It's official. My little brother has had more sex in my car than I have. I'm still tied with my little sister. I hate everybody.
I fought off a bull with my bare hands while he went off to have sex with her against a wall. I’m more upset about the fact that no one is acknowledging what I did.
Randomize
