i just woke up to 15 people singing a whole new world
failed my one goal of the day: wake up before 2 pm.
i can't remember the last friday i didn't spend in the foetal position
It is a special kind of bonus when you find money you hid from yourself when you were drunk in the tampon box. What did we do last period?
Just realized that St. Patty's is on a Saturday this year in case you were interested in coming to New York and redefining bender with me.
Went to an open-bar law school party and puked in front of Justice Scalia. My legal career is now complete -- I literally got judged by a U.S. Supreme Court Justice. Can't get any higher than that.
Just as I was applauding myself for the best wing man award, I realized we are going to have to burn our futon.
you said "this ones for the homies" and proceeded to pour the shot into your other cup instead of the ground b/c "good liquor is not meant to wasted no matter the circumstances"
What are your plans?
Get picked up. Convince you to leave work. Smoke. Drink. Fly helicopters.
If you loved me you'd bring cheese fries and a condom
I'M SO LONELY THAT I TEXTED THE FRESHMAN
She touched my penis and started laughing. She did the same thing when she blew me.
She thinks you guys are the gods of the bathroom. If she runs past you naked, give me a heads up
stupid neighbors doing stupid yard work with their stupid kids when i want to do drugs in the backyard
It’s like a sexy version of those choose your own adventure books from when we were kids. No matter what you choose, there will be penis!
Randomize
