i tried to light my apt on fire. reasons why drunks and women should not cook
East Village: Only place you can play pac man while eating a pineapple hotdog, go to the bar next door and see a graphic blowjob on every tv
He managed to completely creep out every girl I was with last night. It was almost inspiring how efficient it was.
I swear he shrunk like 2 inches. Remind me that drunk sex needs to remain drunk sex.
just start off by saying "hey, i cockblocked my friend last night and need to make it up to him, could you help?"
Pretty sure I just heard the turkey yell "don't put me in there" as it was going in the oven. way too high for this holiday.
Dude, this is like the 4th time today I've had to use cruise control for a 25mph zone. This hangover is never fucking gonna end.
Now I get the fucking shakes every time I hear I'm Sexy And I Know It. Thanks, Captain Morgan.
It was the best of bangs; it was the worst of bangs.
cops woke me up on the sidewalk and asked where my shoes are.. fuck if i know, im sleeping on the sidewalk! actually i didnt say that, i just cried until they gave me a ride home.
Ran into my statistics professor at the bar, he chugged a car bomb and yelled "x bar mothfucker!". On average I'm loving this PhD program.
We were both too drunk to drive home. So we did it in the coat closet and then I walked home. 20/20 hindsight: Could have both walked to my apartment and then had sex there.
Sorry for trying to baptize you last night
You knew the entire thing in Latin I was so impressed
STOP PUTTING BUTTER ON MY FUCKING CAT
We sexted for four hours straight. Is this really what my life has come to?
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