I'm so tired of dating women who lie about their age. You show up feeling like you need to follow them around with a dust pan and a broom.
i'm so bored i'm watching porn for fun. not even jacking off or anything. just watching.
Just watched a porn with the dvd commentary on i think i need to re-evaluate my life
i just farted in the library and heard some girl yell it was sulfur gas. can. not. move.
Dude its 315 and I'm sitting here eating slices of cheese. Don't talk to me about tomorrow.
You just kept yelling, "THAT'S THE POWER OF PINESOL, BABY!"
I was about to send you a concerned-for-your-safety text b/c it took you more than ten seconds to respond to a text that mentioned both the bar and lesbians
I'm sitting on our balcony drunk. And in my underwear. Our relationship with our neighbors may improve.
I think my Halloween costume this year will be made entirely of pillows and I'll be Marshmellow girl or Kirby. That way I'm comfortable, warm, and if I fall over drunk I'm safe.
I just conducted a skype meeting drunk and in the middle of a cornfield. I don't even think they noticed.
Dude, did you know, your blood is contaminated with over 17 non-beer fluids?
They just built a gym in the same parking lot as my favorite bar. Drunk me is gonna be so excited.
I'd like to believe that in some alternate universe we are living this wonderful lesbian life together..
All im saying is that my face might fall off.
Why do I know about what dicks have been in your mouth but didn't know you had a dog? What kind of friends are we??
Randomize
