i just shit on the floor of my room. my roommate was in the bathroom, my choices were limited.
I JUST WANT TO WATCH PORN BUT THE CAT IS JUST SITTING HERE LICKING HIS BALLS. I CAN'T DO IT.
Guess who left Professor Cunt on their paper by accident?
You kept running up to married couples, taking their pictures and begging for them not to get divorced
You were petting your bowl of cocoa puffs and shushing it softly while staring at the mirror
On Tinder, guy asked me if I had ever been fucked by a Pokemon master. Needless to say I didn't respond.
I love the barter system - he got laid and I got him to bring me some ibuprofen. A win-win really.
And I got shut down by a ginger. It was a weird night
he's such a nice guy...he deserves a bigger dick.
When we get drunk one of us ends up running off and fucking someone in an inappropriate place, like the roof of the restaurant, or Greece, while the other convinces people not to worry and not to go looking. That good sir is a real mother fucking friendship.
Thats what I'm talking about
FYI there's a girl here with happy daddy written on her tits
yeah, last night we handcuffed you and you started crying saying that you weren't a bad person
I think the night went to shit after he started sweating and crying about a taco he dropped on the ground 3 years ago. No more blind dates
Nah, we’re just sitting around talking about different kinds of boners
We hotboxed his bathroom. going to be a good night
Hotbox went wrong - smoke sets off fire alarm. Firefighters coming
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