I'm starting to think The only feelings I have anymore are drunk and hung over
you can't hurt those
I was really sad when you left and cried. And i don't know what a face promise is, but apparently i made you make one.
I only get commercials for vodka and Rogaine now. You're exactly right, Hulu. That's exactly right.
You tried tipping the cashier at Cook Out by shoving a dollar bill down his shirt and yelling "Magic Mike"
it's like if youve been living with the grinch for 15 yrs and then santa shows up with a big gift begging to fuck the christmas spirit back into you. no one can say no to santa.
And I feel like pitchers of margaritas accidentally make it down your throat a lot.
I mean, the lady at the Mexican restaurant insisted. She said she would win a prize if she sold another pitcher before noon. And plus I got to wear a sombrero
Its a first. Never been peed on in a line to concert. First time for everything.
She kept telling me it was a squirtgun.
I slipped on a piece of pizza last night and when the bouncer helped me up I told him the garbage can pushed me.
I broke out the Krispy Kreme, and am possibly having random internet sex in less than an hour. I think I got this breakup under control.
Well I'm going to hell. But I'm going after multiple orgasms.
Just taxi'd to the airport holding a zip lock bag of my own vomit. Bachelorette success.
Like did I tell you about the ex Amish guy? Because that was a mess
I shotgunned a beer immediately puked and rallied. And by rallied I mean had sex in the bathroom after he held my hair.
What a gentleman.
Why am I sleeping on top of the fridge?
You were playing hide and seek with the dog. she couldn't find you and you passed out.
Dude get over here. Steven brought super soakers filled with colored vodka.
Randomize
