pretend to be my girlfriend and sign me up for tool academy
he drunkenly pissed himself on the deck, in the bathroom, and on my couch within the span of an hour
its like an avodart commercial...maybe he has a growing problem
That's like rubbing a penis in my face and not giving it to me.
i was congratulating myself on not falling down the stairs when i walked into the wall. it's like one step forward, two steps into the fucking wall
did i try to light ur hair on fire with a sparkler at the club saturday?
It's an "im going to have to shit with the lights off" type of morning
Either I'm deep cleaning my apartment out of severe academic procrastination or I'm subconsciously nesting and need to take a pregnancy test.
My mom is lecturing me about 'invaluable housekeeping skills' while I google 'cocktails involving gin' on my phone. I can feel the generational gap looming in her silent judgment of my choices.
Keep it up. It gets easier when you turn 21. Something happens in people's brains when they turn 21 and all of a sudden you have the power to drink constantly and abuse drugs and still graduate with good grades and your shit together. Im almost positive I read it in my freshman year bio textbook
I have managed to reach the 'after meth poster look' before lunch here...
Once you jizz in someones hat, you cant take it back.
Do not try to steal a picnic table from a park, all you will end up with are sore arms and broken dreams.
She took all the bottles out of the shower caddy and replaced them with booze. I just made a shower Manhatten. Imma marry this one.
If my dick was big enough to fuck the eye of a hurricane, I would.
Fuck you and fuck your stupid hat
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