now i know why i became what i already was.
when she said she's going upstairs to put her "play clothes" on, I knew either she was a pervert or a kindergarten teacher. Either way, I wasn't going to leave. She's a pervert by the way.
i just put all of my beerlympics medals into my academic awards box. i would say they are my greatest achievement since college.
So he handed us the weed then asked us if we needed any papers. And she goes "i dont know what that means, do we need to sign something?"
when "blow-job jen" drunk dials you at 3 in the morning, you answer
Package from mother. Contents: Cookies, my old pokemon cards, and condoms. Note: "These have a July 2010 expiration date so give them away or use them with a gal that would be a great daughter in law. Love Mom" Love you too momma
You passed out in my bathroom last night. I put a towel over your face so I could shit without it being gay
It's ok that you're screwing someone else while trying to get back with me, I'm banging three girls while I ignore you.
Seriously! We need to take her a thank you note or something. She puts up with the drugs and the extremely loud sex. She deserves a thank you card.
We haven't even scratched the surface on the damage we could do. Just saying
I woke up to a 3rd person picture of my own dick sent from a 1-800 number..
...I'm not a booty call or a pizza...you can't just call/text and expect to be eating me in an hour..
Sorry for peeing on you and your bed last night.
Umm... When he walked in I shot him with my confetti gun... It's a wonder my booty calls even show up.
That awkward moment when you realize you've been secretly blackout dating someone for three months. Drunk me is in a committed relationship.
Randomize
