just took a shot of grandma at the fucking bowling alley... this is going to be interesting
I'm at the laundry mat. This guy is here showing me his ankle monitor. The weird ones always find me.
my dog ran away and came back with a marajuana plant. what are you doing tonight?
Nothing says I have a hang over like telling your boss to "eat your shit"
This girl just introduced herself as Queefer Sutherland. She's on a roller derby team. What. The. Fuck.
So excited for tonight I might actually pee my pants BEFORE I get blackout
And PS thanks for calling it my "sexual liberation" and not "slut fest 2010: part deux!"
After you vomited on the patrol car, you thanked the officer for helping you up off the ground. I don't think you realized you were being arrested.
Realized it was likely to be cursed, didn't want my own Johnson magically turning into some sort of fire breathing reptile and eating me
That is an interesting fear as well as image
He can only pee with the faucet running. It's like I'm dating a fucking toddler.
stalking the twitter feeds of girls who have fucked my current fuck buddy makes me glad we use condoms
You don't understand. My ass is the color of eggplant.
I've orgasmed so many times tonight I think I've become enlightened
Life achievement unlocked: I just ate a Slim Jim "Lady and the Tramp" style with a guy in a bar.
I was eating leftover taco bell in bed at 3 in the afternoon. I can't throw any stones
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