Just brushed my teeth...forgot we used this toothbrush in bed last night.
im keeping my plan b box as a souvenir of my first halloween weekend in college
After watching Cinemax for a few months, real porn just grosses me out.
Yes I was being legit. That's the only plant I want in my house. A growing penis.
please dont let the old guy in the wheelchair see you when you wake up
You need to always be prepared. Like a sex firefighter.
My "Week Of Not Checking Into OK Cupid So I Don't Hook Up With Another Fat Chick" lasted four hours. On the plus side, she was the smallest one yet.
My pupils are so HUGE you can see into my soul from 2 miles away
i knew as soon as i met you that i was gonna be the designated driver
I am literally drinking 7 day old water and looking for snacks in my room so I won't have to go in the hall and see roommate, because we accidentally banged last night. Please bring over some chicken and plan b.
This day took a left turn at "This is your going away party, I got a bunch of blow."
That jawline could fucking have its way with me.
Sometimes, being an adult means buying a bottle of whiskey after work and live tweeting the commercial breaks on food network.
You yelled "Shame!" like you were that bitch from Game of Thrones and then hit my balls full force with your sports bra
I'm not saying i'm drunk
But i'm drunk.
Randomize
