i'm sleeping with myself tonight because i remember my name and i won't regret it in the morning. sorry.
I'm drinking away my Christmas cash. People are going to get bar receipts as presents.
i ordered 12 mcnuggets at mcdonalds and ended up getting 20. for free. miracles really do happen when your high.
This is your morning news. Today at 5 pm I will be going out of town until the 29th. If you would like some great sex before I leave, please contact me. The available packages are: a house call, an outdoor excursion, or a delivery style in-car quickie. available only while supplies last.
There is no way I am paying you $5 apiece for pot brownies you found behind a dumpster. $2, maybe.
DR UNK TOWN USA
TEAM USA GO AMERICA
Two questions. One. Where are you watching election results tomorrow? Two. Can we have Obama victory sex?
We let 3 boys take us home and then we woke up in the middle of the night, stole all the coozies out of the house, a loaf of bread, a case of water, a pair of shorts, called a cab, and went home.
"Where are you? Where are my keys? What is this guys name again? Why am I wearing two pairs of your pants?"
The fake number she gave me was for Pappa John's. Now I have a large pepperoni on the way.
Do you think it would be weird to add her on Facebook?
You just commited a felony act together, I honestly think we're beyond this.
I was just seen throwin up on the bookstore building near a trashcan by parents. Naturally I throw a thumbs up and say go college
I just realized u compared me to a coconut
he went down on me and a few minutes later he asked to show me a magic trick. then he pulled a quarter out of my vagina
And it only took a fake engagement ring, a condom and a bowl of weed
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