we just got in the car and birthday sex is playing
that is a sign the 3 of us should have a threesome
we agree. completely
you threw up in the bushes next to the ABC store and kept saying "you're home, blueberry vodka, you're home!"
that shit musta been laced I laughed for two hours and everyone looked like penguins
Turns out my drunken logic and wordsmithing isn't quite the same as the sober version. I'm pretty sure I made fun of the managers mom at one point
Sometimes he has weird facial hair...Basically he has a penis... that's what he's got going for him.
He graduated with honors. I've seen him kneeboard on dry ground and run a razor scooter into a wall...anyone can graduate with honors
I just asked the bartender if I could get insurance on my drink in case I spilled it.
Within the hour, he sent me 8 texts and 4 voice memos. One of the memos was just him whistling for 3 minutes. ...It's official, I attract the crazies.
When she asked why I felt bad I said that it may have had something to do with the gin and cold pizza I had for breakfast.... And then I reflected on what my life has become.
I'm going to fix your towel rack. I broke it while I was dancing on it.
I made a joke about The Hemingway being a really boring sex position where you blandly describe all the action and then kill yourself after you orgasm. He stopped responding. I've GOT to stop talking to everyone like they're you.
I was so horny last night, I failed to let him know about my current bed bug infestation.
He lives 20 minutes away driving distance and decided to walk. I talked to him today and he took a nap along the way... In a cemetery.
Uber southern baptist grandma and uber flaming cousin just got into an argument about whether jesus is OK with gay marriage. Aren't these things only supposed to happen at Thanksgiving?
I broke my wrist trying to give him a blow job...
And this is why we can’t have nice things
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