It was just so hard to get through Conan without crying like a baby. I'm just so proud of him.
I can’t believe the potential orgy I left behind at Waffle House.
I would like to thank collapsed soviet republics and fathers who didnt show enough attention for tonight's festivities
I just remembered yelling "they're gonna let me be a lawyer! Me! Why would they do that?"
I think being a buddhist has made me a better drunk
.....woke up with a tube of cinnamon buns in my pocket, i miss you
Ohhh. Its been awhile. Vending machine hotel condoms are $15 here who can afford to not get herpes?
woke up to see a man wearing a sailor hat and covered in vomit sneaking out the door. Epic night indeed.
Tell him "come over but don't bring a flaccid dick"
Wear something tight
There's mini weenies and empanadas everywhere...
Two words: blizzard sex
Can we do lunch at 3? I have a blowjob scheduled for 2.
You schedule blowjobs?
It's still fucked up that my mom let me think Vanilla Ice was my dad for YEARS just because she thought it was funny.
I should buy myself lingerie for Valentine’s Day instead of a present for you because I am the present
Did I literally just offer a blowjob for help moving? Yes. Yes, I did.
Randomize
