bang him and never speak to him again. also, queef in his face.
i dont this its possible to queef on command.
next person that tells me Facebook is a professional tool is getting kicked in the teeth.
i found a beer bottle on top of the urinal, peed in it and put it back... if anyone gets drunk enough to fall for it they deserve it
and I'm going to name my autobiography "blow jobs with enthusiasm are the best"
I'm naming my autobiography "Reasons Not to Date Girls From Texas."
Bubblewrap condoms. We can steal Ziplock's new slogan. Protection you can hear.
he confused my yawn for an orgasm
A baby just go on our party bus. What. The. Fuck.
whatever. as long as im no longer referred to as the girl who fucked the pledge on his big brother's couch.
I was going to text him and apologize but I didn't want him to think that meant I approved of him being my niece's booty call.
Ive seen him cuddling a giant inflatable seahorse. Nothing could be creepier than that.
dude, you were feeling up her boob for 20 minutes in front of the guy she was hitting on because you and her had an argument over who had bigger boobs.
hey man, it was for science okay.
It's always awkward in the office the day after your boss sends you a dick pic.
After the keg stand you collapsed, hit your head on the floor, started seizing and after 20 seconds got back up and said "hah, I remember my first beer"
She did NOT find it funny to come upstairs to find me with the word "MISERY" written on my forehead in magic marker and the label to the vodka bottle replaced with a scrap of paper taped around that says "COMPANY"
i think we sleep fucked last night...
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