I can see my step sister's thong. Don't know if I should let myself be turned on or not
They were so slutty we had to play "rarely have I ever."
5th glass of wine. There's pictures of Jesus everywhere. It's like you're constantly reminded of your sins here.
I was officially considered the drunkest person in cuba when the bartender at the swim up bar made me wear a life jacket for 'safety purposes'
Drinking loves me for WHO I am
my mom called me mid shot and i accidentally answered and kept calling her my own name. somehow i thought that would help the situation.
I just got dropped off by that cop that pulled you over. Best sex ever! Consider that $140 ticket my birthday present.
I have experienced an excessively hairy ballsack in my mouth...and it was horrifying. I keep feeling it in my mouth now. It's like hairy ball PTSD.
Nothing will stop me from making the title of my paper "The Great Political Cock Block." Absolutely nothing.
The ride home was alright, we hooked up in the street next to his car after he smashed into the guard rail
Google Maps needs to have a hungover setting. That bitch talks too loud and all I want is breakfast tacos & a bloody fucking mary.
It's one of the few times I hit fuck it levels of not caring
i had a flashback to you roaring like a dying tiger and then throwing your wallet (maybe?) at the cat in the living room and saying "you're the only adult that lives here take all my money"
Is it immoral to trade sex for the use of his laundry room?
Everytime I come home this stoned I masturbate in the shower for that long, its like my lonely ritual. Accept me.
Randomize
