does your mom think i'm crazy? i just realized i played both the gay dad and the ex-jew card tonight. i blame the wine
If I had a sex resume I'd get tons of jobs.
why was he too nerdy?
he was a tetris block for halloween
We were sexting and at the end, instead of us having sex, he decided to put "we fell asleep in each others arms."
hes out at the street wearing a tophat and a monocole and carrying a cane and greeting every car that drives by
he just went across the street and into someones house and we could hear him inviting them over from the front porch
I just conducted a skype meeting drunk and in the middle of a cornfield. I don't even think they noticed.
I feel as if we moved beyond the hook up stage when she blew me as I drunkenly finished my chicken nuggets.
Pretty sure I picked a cat up off the street and took him home with me, fed him tuna, then let him go
just peed on my shirt somehow, im calling it a day
I thought it was pretty weird, but after the marinating loins thing, i figured i'd roll with it.
We're at the liquor store. Then going to the hospital
oh my god you are days, if not hours away from a dick pic. This is the day the lord has made rejoice and be glad in it
He's nice to look at and knows the difference between your and you're. I win.
u woke up and asked who took ur pants off then realized u did n almost cried over not gettin layed
I continue to impress myself. Also I'm probably pregnant
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