You dropped me off at the wrong girl's house.
There's no such thing as a "wrong girl" make it happen.
alright see you in the morning.
she said she missed her period, but is going to six flags... think im safe?
i bought a pregnancy test with dimes. Is that trashy?
I just found out me and my parents buy from the same drug dealer.
you should get a family discount.
I hope my liver is having as much fun as I am
But I love Penises too much to give up on them. My phone capitalized Penises. It's like it knows I respect them
Not sure. We'll pass out on that bridge when we stumble to it.
Hey, 'thunder cock' as proud as I am for you getting laid, could you put a muzzle on her? I have to be up at 5, thanks.
looking at that huge scar on my leg from when i got drunk at 9 AM and walked into a grill. so excited for football season to start again!
oh you know, the usual stuff. getting kicked out of bars and sleeping in cars.
OK. i'm going to add "riddle me this, brodawg" to the list of things i'm never gonna say to my boss again while i'm high.
Fair warning birthday party last night avoid kitchen & upstairs bathroom if you value your remaining sanity
Awk moment when I forgot to tell my hookup about visitor parking so he got towed
Last night was a whirlwind of vodka - induced emotion
Nothing says hangover like being in the doctors office getting a tampon removed from deep inside
Randomize
