he looked about as manly as a guy in a volkswagen bug can look
I think we need to stop being best friends, its not good for our vaginas.
He gave them shots of purell and called it "acid rain" jello shots. They took them.
I hate freshman.
they came at us with fireworks while we were skinny dipping in her jacuzzi at 4 am...
She tried to cook Velveeta IN the oven on clean mode.
holy fuck that shirt looks so good on him, it was like he was born with it on. that shirt deserves a blow
I'm in a waiting room at the hospital - and there's a dude here who is WAY too proud of his urine sample.
When you and Blake get an apartment I want you to buy this Costco couch I'm currently passing out on.
You strapped the bucket of KFC into the carseat and refused to let me drive over 20 miles per hour the whole ride home. That high.
10/10 dentists agree that he is one bangable mother fucker. hint: i am all of these dentists.
Turns out he's not a Doctor Who fan, I mumbled Alons-y as I went down on him. He asked who Alan was. No more drunk sex for me!
I thought one was bad but really there are two woman stupid enough to marry our brother...unreal
as i was trying not to drunkingly fall off her toliet, i noticed her socks laying there. i quickly grabbed them, ran upstairs, and excitingly asked her if she had gotten them at sams club. she replied with, "...those are your socks."
He said it was the classiest hand job he ever had because my nails were painted red. We need to go to nicer bars from now on.
He heard our neighbor’s vibrator through the wall, knocked on her door and now they’re doing it
The blonde?!? That’s just unfair! His penis already has a fairy tale existence
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