My husband just tried to seduce me by saying we can do it doggystyle so you can watch tv
I think I saw a glimmer of recognition, but she must not have been able to make me out through all of her whorishness.
John tries to set me up, and she has 1 arm. I'm a nice guy, but 2 arms is kinda a requirement
He was telling me how the song fireflies makes him feel like he can talk to animals
Hypothetical question: If I threw up in the dishwasher do I clean it up or just turn it on? :(
he said i give him, and i quote, "emotional blue balls"
All i have left of him are the magnum X-Large condoms he left in my room, knowing full well that no other guy I hook up with will be able to fill his shoes. He taunts me.
you took my bottle from me saying i was unprepared for its magical qualities. then you buckled it in the backseat.
He just showed up to brunch with one shoe and only the battery from his phone.
Someone else needs to become the bad example in our group
But you wear shame so well
He sent me a snapchat of himself growing a double chin. I think we're past the stage where there's any risk of us sleeping together. Ever.
She said she had a surprise for me and sent me a video of her having sex with some fat dude. It was a mood killer
Are you in a good mood because I stuffed you with enchiladas, ice cream, penis, and cuddles last night?
Waking up early to fuck the hot DILF the day before Father's Day because I'm respectable like that
I can't dude. Last time I was there, I blew the bartender in the bathroom at last call.
Randomize
