and then she said I drew a line on her forehead with my cum and whispered "Simba"
at 4 in the morning i heated a family sized mac n cheese for a minute and decided to eat it frozen cuz I didn't wanna wait for that long
I just saw a license plate that said "Guidete" at college. This proves the world is officially ending in 2012
Theres a live mouse in the toilet. Goddamn you this is why I don't party here
I'm sitting next to a ginger. She is decked out in olive green. Gingers fucking love olive green.
Like please, take your microdick and try to stick it someplace else. It is not welcome in my world.
Literally sitting on my bed in the dark trying not to throw up
Is it bad that I'm tindering right now? I'm naked on his couch while he's slaving over legal documents for work. And he doesn't have cable, so what else am I supposed to do?
You tried crawling through the apartment window instead of going through the wide open door next to it
he really is such a sweet guy. it’s a shame i have to break his heart.
I'm going to invent an ap that tests your stress levels before texting and will say something like "nope, go rub one out and try again in 10 min"
Today some guy at work told me I had the nicest hair he's ever seen and my response was "thanks I grew it myself". This is why I'm single.
He took my Spanx off and still fucked me twice. I call that success.
Also, my guy said they would be around. And i clarified that when I asked him for mushrooms he didn't hear "a mushroom or two" but rather understood I meant "all the mushrooms you can find between now and 4th of July."
Can’t. Tonight’s a netflix and dick night
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