dear life, i get it, drinking is not a contest
Woke up this morning with one boob drawn on to look like the globe. Questionable?
my roommate just said, "don't look at it, just put it iin your mouth"
I took an adderall but just ended up meticulously arranging my farmville for hours
i found your underwear in my bra... i dont even remember how this happened.
shit. all i remember is the look on your moms face.
im pretty sure while i was fucking her my dog was fucking her dog too
just woke up COVERED in glow sticks and glitter. didn't even have to turn the light on to puke.
I just sniffled when I woke up and got a bump of coke. I have never felt so good hung over.
By the third Id pass back i figured the bouncer had fucked one of us.
the cops were hovering over him then shinned a flashlight to the floor above ours, then I realized that some fucker jumped from the third story.
fuck our hall.
Apparently he crashed because 3 different girls were trying to give him road head at the same time.
Ya. I wonder how much being a beard for a major league baseball player pays. This could be a lucrative arrangement...
Please tell me you have Advil or Tylenol or ibuprofen or a fucking baseball bat
Straight up asked lady in a lime green jumpsuit how to make your ass clap. That thing wiggled more beautifully than ocean waves at sunset
I think I had sex with a seagull last night. The window is open and there a feathers everywhere.
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