Just dunked an oreo in a white russian. Trying to think of a better experience in my life and failing.
I think Memorial Day also marks the beginning of "Bikini Profile Picture" season.
Roommate is high and swore off off the diet. Said she wants to make everyone else fat since it'd be easier. She spent today baking 3 dozen brownies for the office tomorrow and is already down to 24.
I wouldn't blow him for all the queso in the world.
I'd rather blow that homeless guy who asked me to breast feed him.
What's worse: not calling my parents in Dallas to make sure they're alright or not taking shelter to masturbate all over my douchebag roommates clothes?
I worry about you.
My roommate took my designated hickey removing spoon out of the freezer.
Then that is decided. Fuck away my little bunny rabbit.
My vagina was just really confused why you weren't inside it
I told my mom I'm great in bed. That is quality mother daughter bonding.
I already tell everyone in my office my bf is at the Naval academy. It slipped one time and I can't go back on it now
I woke up at 6 and was laying at the top of my stairs.
You know you suck at relationships when you are sitting in the airport on Christmas day, alone, swiping on Tinder.
i just drunk stumbled into my home... to figure out that we moved 2 weeks ago..
If you can give me an orgasm, you'll get a trophy.
I'm in the Sheetz parking lot waiting for dad to finish a drug deal.
Randomize
