Omg I def was not. I wasn't that drunk. I showed that I stuff my bra but I didn't whip my tit out.
totally poinked my lawyers daughter in his hot tub last night. i figure getting off is just compensation for not getting me off.
I just realized I have my pepper spray, gun, and vibrator all in one drawer. One false grab and I'm screwed either way.
I don't want to eat him, he probably tastes terrible.
Then she yelled something like "YOU HAVE SO MANY FORKS!" before collapsing on the floor
Aaaaand I just watched him face plant in front of the taxi. This is why we don't invite him to margarita night.
you sat in the middle of your kitchen floor feeding your dog blueberries one by one
Your christmas gifts are already wrapped, how on top of my shit am I?
I'm hungover as fuck and had to break into my own house by throwing a cinder block through my back door at 4am. You're more on top of your shit than me.
Sharing a bathroom with a guy sucks. I always have to set an alarm for the middle of the night just so I can take a dump. Poop text btw
I'm not a horrible person, I just see what everyone chooses to politely ignore.. And occasionally say it aloud whilst deeply intoxicated.
you sternly forced jackson to start preheating the oven around midnight so you could make bagels in the morning
you were serious about those bagels
Made up a full house drinking game
On my way.
do you think me going to the gyno dressed as a cat is inappropriate?
Nothing says hey I wanna be your friend again like ambushing me with a dick pic
He sided with his father, so I slashed his tires. I’d say that’s a fair trade.
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