i overslept, had to take a cab to the train station, might puke, bought the wrong flavored vitamin water, and mj's dead. what a terrible world to wake up to.
eating raw peppers to burn the taste of semen out of my mouth
you just can't say no to drugs on a mirrored table.
you tried to arm wrestle for the title of "mom's favorite son"
he nicknamed his dick "too big to fail"
We didn't have sex because he locked himself in the bathroom and passed out while he was taking a shit. I cuddled with his cat.
I spent 10 minutes contemplating condensation on grapes this morning.
That was the night I passed out and someone threw chicken at me. SORRY I wasn't available to cockblock you from that Hispanic dude.
I don't like how my gyno is telling me how to live my life.
I find him attractive in the absolute weirdest way. Like I need him to do my taxes, but I also feel like I should spill things on him to gain his attention and then lick it off to gain his affection.
Actually we have similar relationship styles aka no relationship... it could work
I'm concerned I may die tonight. All I've been told about my bday shenanigans is to bring slutty clothes, a bikini, tylenol, sunglasses and pjs. Tell me what the fuck is going on...now
bring lube too
i hate all of you
you should come have a drink with me (non alcoholic or otherwise) im at the same bar as your sister and a few guys that would apparently "lick your butthole"-congratulations
Dude it's unhealthy how much I love vagina in my face
Woke up went to work ate beef after three year hiatus shat my pants went to bed
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