I miss you like a fat girl misses the prom.
Lady came into work yesterday. Full on stache and beard. I've never concentrated on making eye contact harder in my life.
Maybe you should go over there and lead him on and reach down his pants like he's about to get some and yank his balls.
That's the best idea I've heard all day.
Im drinking a large pickle jar full of Emergency, water and left over pickle juice and I dont care.
She gets me. First thing she said this morning "I'll buy breakfast if you can tell me my name."
Apparently 'check out this motherfucker' is not an appropriate greeting to use in the vicinity of sitting united states senators. Who knew
Just found a note from Saturday that says "rainy soft hair".... Any ideas?
WHY does every guy I sleep with want to fix my car?!
So I'm thinking that so long as I have this piercing, I'm going to get tested for explosives at the airport
It's like when your main girl and your side girl start having their period in the same week
You are the most depressed sports fan I know
Dude, you spit in your shirt pocket saying "I'm saving it for later" then dove head first into the pyramid of beer cans we set up.
GETTING HORNY AT RANDOM IS REALLY FUCKING INCONSIDERATE.
Well I'm a full service fuck buddy so lemme know if I can get you food or water or anything
rock bottom is drinking straight vodka from a protein shaker, singing one direction and crying alone in your room. exams.
Realization: many of my behaviors would lead to me being stoned to death in a lot of foreign countries. God bless America.
Randomize
