naighbors jacking off again. i swear its his friday night ritual, its like he knows the night wont be ending in his favor
My dad just came home, said hi to mom and me in the kitchen, and then said "I'm gonna go inject my blood with iguana saliva".
We tried to play doctor all sexually then he was taking down my 'symptoms' I said I needed to puke he thought it was part of the game
I apparently spent $173 at the bar last night. The proof is in the vomit on my pillow and the receipt I tried to clean it up with.
I have green food coloring in my hair and just got a text from "Guy in the Yard"...so this morning is going just as you might imagine.
they had to hand cuff you because you wouldn't stop trying to unzip the paramedic's pants...this is why i love you
On another note, I feel like my vagina is slowly being peeled off with a rusty potato peeler.
Some older looking guy gave me his card as he exited the train. Hes a pharmaceutical rep. I'm debating asking him for a job. Obv he wants sex but if I can get a job out of this maybe I can offer him more than a cheap dry handjob bc that's all I'm really up for these days
I went to a community college and majored in Bad Decisions. I'm not exactly a chick magnet.
Holy shit my cat won't leave the lube alone
He had to put his grandma's photo away before I tied him to the bed. She doesn't need to see any of that.
I think I just shit out all my problems.
11:30pm - Shots together. 12:15pm Shots together. 12:45pm Shots together. 9:30am Plan B's together.
Thanks for not letting me get involved with a serial killer. That's true friendship
We somehow ended up in Oklahoma. Nick's been crapping for two hours and I'm afraid to call a doctor because who the hell knows what sort of stuff goes down in the middle of nowhere. So not a great long weekend really.
Randomize
