i made the cop pinkie-promise not to arrest me if i failed the breathalizer.
I've decided to tape numbers to the bottom of my heels corresponding to the number of drinks I can safely consume in them.
He came when he saw that my nipples were pieced
Thanks for not locking your door. I had to pee and there was a random person throwing up in my bathroom so I used yours. \nPS I stole your soap
Well it's official, last night I hooked up with the third girl from the apartment downstairs.
Dude that's a hat trick!
I know, I tossed my hat on the floor as I was walking out.
We were all day drunk by 2pm. Now I know why they hate Americans
Hey it's Males-You-Probably-Wish-You-Hadnt-Had-Sex-With Monday. MYPWYHHSWM
HIS DICK ISNT BIG ENOUGH FOR HIM TO BE THAT PROUD OKAY
My hangover headache is somewhere in the Harry Potter scar neighborhood. I can now empathize with that poor bastard.
I honestly just wanna put my face in her tits and disappear from this plane of existence
He tried to brush a hair off my cheek, but turns out it was just a freakishly long chin hair. So no, we didn't bang.
So my plane's delayed and some guy is talking to "sparkles" he just told her to never again sell drinks from her cleavage. This is why I don't go home
Is it bad that I like to have a guy to flirt with in every class? I feel like it's excellent motivation: to shave, to shower and to show up.
Is it sad that my idea of a quality foursome would involve one person eating me out while the other two rub my feet?
Yea and there’s destruction when we’re together, mostly of our livers but W/e
Randomize
