My mother's day gift to my mother is to promise never to tell her 95% of the stories I've accumulated in my life.
Dude, I had to masturbate just to stay warm. Please pay the gas bill?
Just saw a guy walking down the street carrying a giant inflatable penis
Just arrived at our party
Im about to get a baby alligator stoned, what are you doing with your life?
I woke up surrounded by goldfish. Thank God my laptop was here too. Now I don't have to leave my bed all day.
I got punched in the face by a Cowboy last night. Then he bought me a beer cause o convinced security not to kick him out the bar. Start of a fairytale love story? I think so.
I would love a rich wife. Then I would be like a gym teacher or some shit. Bigfoot hunter maybe.
Just saw some dude tumble down the stairs of the bar while leaving...fist pump...and then sprint down the road
We were coming but I found wine on my way out the door.
so i EARNED it!?! i EARNED dying alone with cats!!?
Why does my car smell like burnt toast?
I take it you don't remember trying to make grilled cheese with your cigarette lighter...
It wasn't until I lost my earring that I realized "I've been here before". Turns out we fucked a year ago. We've decided to make it a tradition.
You can come over but I have to warn you that it is naked Sunday.
He is obviously into the really short sex we have.
I’m turning 34 on Friday and I feel like the only thing I’ve accomplished in life so far is getting into pissing matches with clients
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