Women are like Alzheimers patiens. You can compliment them a million times in a day, but the next day is always a wash, you have to start all over.
its not facebook stalking, its market reasearch
i took a field sobriety test yesterday. a crowd gathered, watched me pass it and applauded. then the cops arrested me because i took a bow and fell over.
I mean I'm basically single. Or maybe just an asshole. Either way.
Just once id like to sleep with a man who i havent thrown up on
Eliza got arrested. What's the protocol on eating an arrested person's sandwich?
you yelled "who's job is it to keep me from breaking shit" and then immediately ripped off the molding as you fell down the stairs.
chugging beers on the train. people are staring. I would be offended if it wasn't 8:30
Absolute soulmates or functional alcoholics?
Can't be the first without the last
Did you just tell me you watch cartoon porn because it's more real?
I owe you an apology, I was appointed captain of this sexy fuckship and I fell asleep at the helm.
She's high and screaming MEREDITH IS A WHORE
I saw a picture of a baby and it reminded me to take my birth control. Priorities
It started with drunk jenga and ended with me simultaneously peeing and puking on his feet in the tub while he held me up. I met Tequila. I don't like her.
Just saw a car towing a guy on skis drive by so that’s how Syracuse is doing today.
Randomize
