do you know how hard it is to sit through a 3 hour movie with someone and not fuck them?
I wish i had a shirt that said, "I know what you're thinking and it's not herpes on my face"
when my professor asked "does anyone know what streches across south america" and a kid in the back row said "my exgirfriends vagina" i knew i was at home.
I'm customer of the month for a 3rd time now at the Wine store. I've achieved so much in my life
I hope he didn't notice that my shirt was inside out when I told him I didn't have sex with the guy. Kind of a dead giveaway.
I haven't found him passed out in the living room covered in noodles for a while now so I guess he's getting better with the drinking.
It's gonna be one of those someone is getting divorced parties
next time we make out at a concert please try to refrain from screaming out our hotel room number.. the amount of guys that knocked on our door after you passed out was ridiculous
What happened to my face?
You kneed yourself in the eye during the Harlem Shake.
It was impressive.
No like he has curves. I remember thinking he had a nicer body than me
When are your genitals available?
Bitch are you kidding? 2016 is gonna be the year our pussies run for president
like I'd leave you in a situation like that..pfft. what kinda friend do you think I am?
...a stoned one.
It was the scariest thing ever having a flame that close to my balls...
Never going back to jail again. Only time in my life I've ever had a wet dream about jerking it...
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