just woke up to two already rolled blunts and a full explanation of what happened last night. I love my gf
you are my new fav person for making him do the walk of shame in pink footie pajamas!
Made a salesman quit his job, a saleswoman cry, and got a manager to half shout "fuck this"....successful drunk Christmas shopping
I can hear her blowing you man. All I hear is her saying 'yeah' over and over again.
My mom just saw the bruise on my chest from the bite mark he left. Played it off that I hit myself w a box of beauty products. She believed me. God I love working retail sometimes.
See this is why people shouldn't jump into marriage. See what type of drunk you're engaged to first.
I need like a hormone stopper. Or a chastity belt. Or like a lady business alarm that goes off when I'm being too drunk.
He screamed AMERICA, took a shot of vodka out of a Tupperware container, and then asked if he could see my tits
Stop touching yourself.
Wtf!?!?!?! Did you install a camera???
He sent me a text from across the party that said "your sexy." I just couldn't.
On the way home there was a guy passed out IN the road on Colfax with his pants around his ankles, completely bare assed. If he was dressed as a speed bump, he succeeded.
I could tell you were slightly drunk by the time you started having a conversation with my tiki torch
I'm highly inebriated watching star wars, this text was sent via the force
Drunk in my hotel room, eating taco bell, and crying at Nicki Minaj's life story.
This is why I keep you in my life.
So bottomless mimosas = me waking up in a truck bed in a random neighborhood with no purse or phone or idea how I got there.
Randomize
