Turns out drinking large amounts of Gentleman Jack does NOT turn you into a Gentleman -- quite the opposite actually.
My history with restaurant waiters is severely limiting our dinner options.
so i havent checked yet but im almost positive that my left ass cheek is bruised. any idea what happened last night.
what the fuck man? i was JUST texting you the same thing. FUCK
i mean i should have known that when i started taking shots with my zumba instructor i was in for a rough night...
I'm fucking an ugly guy. Don't come home.
well now I have to
i promise the blood crusted on your tits is from him motorboating you after he tripped into the pool stick. nothing else.
He like walks around to open car doors for me. Has already held my hair while I barf and still likes me. What. Is. Happening.
His penis contains the glue that keeps this relationship together.
Would you like season tickets to my vagina?
But that background check said 51...Omg. If I hooked up with someone that's my dads age.....
I smell like hot dogs and captain morgan it's 11:20 am what is my life
I'm sorry I pissed in your bedroom and then woke you up when I tried to jump off the balcony
One sec I was having the time of my life, the next I was shitting water
BRIAN AND ANTHONY SPOON FED MY BROTHER MACARONI AND CHEESE WHILE HE WAS FUCKING ZARA. THEY WENT TO HIGHFIVE HIM AND ZARA WAS LIKE "WOO!" AND HIGHFIVED THEM FIRST
Topless, eating sour gummies, doing a crossword, at 4 AM. TELL ME IM BEAUTIFUL!
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