I wish I could teleport
So she stayed over last night and slept walked in to my moms room where she used the bathroom and then proceeded to get in bed with my moms naked boyfriend. So yeah, at least now my family got to meet her.
Not me. I think "beastiality" sounds pretty classy.
Its like I instantly had a mental image of me in my mugshot.
He came to the party late, didn't bring tacos, and then asked what shennanigans we were getting into. I swear I will never fuck another hipster.
I just mistook cooking oil for the whiskey that was also on the counter... They're the same colour. That was not a good shot... I need to not drink alone.
feelin groggy baby? need a coffee? vitamins? a nice good fuck on the piano?
last night i reached the point where my boob implants paid for themselves in free drinks. to celebrate lets go out and get more free drinks tonite.
Bullets don't scare me. I wish I was a coyote
I'm tryin a pb and onion sandwich now
Please smoke with me until I agree that sounds like a good idea
How do I say "I still wanna hook up w you but I don't wanna see your penis via text ever again" through a snapchat
Good luck getting that all cat food off in the shower dumbass
We were gonna go out drinking tonight but she found out she's pregnant so are you free
Apparently I offered the cop my Taco Bell.
Desperate times...
scale of one to ten how loathsome is it to save my chocolate easter bunny to use for a topping on my edibles
Randomize
