I cant believe we actually had a nipple party!
I thought it was weird that her dad told me to finish and get out after he walked in on us. I like him
he wanted to give me a nickname... my choices were superjugs,godzilla boobs or mouth of fury
the only reason I knew his name is because half way through I looked up and it was tatooed on his chest.
I just saw a hobo ride by on a unicycle. Good day.
There is nothing scarier than watching yourself breathe in the mirror while on shrooms.
There were gay boys and a jukebox. It was like god wanted me to.
the only good thing about breaking up with him while naked was that i got to make a forgetting sarah marshall reference
I'm not a horrible person, I just see what everyone chooses to politely ignore.. And occasionally say it aloud whilst deeply intoxicated.
I have fireworks and redbull; let's make heart attack inducing magic happen.
If you can't seal the deal with her, I will. And you know I'll be successful. So there's your incentive
So this was during drunk golfing. She started wacking me off on the ninth hole and an old couple rolls up next to us. And Says "hey gu- oh my golly" and while my penis is in her hand I'm like "sorry you guys can play through"
IT'S FUCKING BABY SEASON ON FACEBOOK. MY VAGINA WANTS TO THROW UP
After a beer I realize now I may have shared too much about my obsession with ghosts with my therapist this morning.
With each thrust he'd whisper "like a ninja." Should I be flattered or appalled?
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