Fun fact: when I ripped off my wristband, I punched myself in the face. Rad
This is the LAST time i'm accepting the excuse "tequila made me do it". Even tequila thinks buying all of nickelback's itunes singles is fucking retarded
I woke up this morning with my hair wrecked, a split lip, and an "H" on my right knee and a "I!" on my other knee.
If a young child walked up to you and grabbed your penis, you'd feel violated too.
I'm a gay man planning my brothers bachelor party, and he choose someone else to be his best man. I hope they like appltinis and gay clubs. Bastard.
There are so many things that would come back to haunt me if I ran for President someday.
like that video of you mad stoned vomiting in the bdubs parking lot after going to a pizza buffet screaming how you needed to make room for froyo
Wat
Totally clawed myself in the face during sex. I can die happy?
Maybe it's because I walked straight up to that shelf of vodka with a look of determination that said "I mean business".
I usually have to have a cart! If that doesn't say "I mean business" then I don't know what does
Saying someone's good at giving head is like saying someone is good at pouring juice like there is that one girl who will spill it everywhere but for the most part it's not that hard to be good at
i just woke with half a bagel saran wrapped to my phone and a cookie in an envelope beside my head...
I've been vomiting all day.
All day? It's 10am.
If I get one more "oh yaaaaa he changed your oil" texts, I'm gonna lose my shit
I wanna hang out. The cats don't talk back.
as a side note pls kill me
Lighting a fucking bong with a candle. Straight up dedication.
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