it must be christmas time, i've got a hankering to give a virgin a baby....
There appears to be a lake on my nightstand. As usual, I should not be considered a suspect. Together, we will find out who did this.
ok it turns out chain mail does not protect against falling down a flight of stairs. please send help.
Don't talk to me about scholarly dedication until you've taken a final in boxers, a bloody tank top and a zip tie to hold your hair back. I wear the most sullied 4.0 crown of all time....
Then, right before he came he said "I want to buy you so many things!" What the fuck?!
he can get married early and ruin his life but he sure as hell isn't ruining mine with a shitty bachelor party
The number of mornings I actually have to say out loud to myself "you must put pants on and go to work" to get motivated is...troubling.
Do you guys think there will be a coke-for-Molly barder at bonnaroo?
How many ballsacks did you see last night because I saw eight
I was out of weed and my vibrator broke, so I'm now at Red Lobster.
Btw I'm playing passed out so you can get laid but obviously you need to take the offense just ask him if he wants to go to bed and leave a cigg on the counter
Just puked in front of a high school tour group. Based on the standing ovation, we have a solid group of freshman coming in this fall.
So I figured out why that guy from Tinder stopped messaging me back. He got married.
Dude, don't beat around the bush. We're fucked and you know it.
Just got your voicemail. The 3am call wasn't a drunk dial, it was an I left my phone in my pocket then has wild animalistic sex dial...
I hate you.
You LOVE me.
Randomize
