he just said he'd buy the porn
its a step up from the last guy
I woke up this morning next to a stack of saltines & a txt from u saying "do it." it took me a second to remember wat was going on
Does she usually listen to trance and cut up broccoli when she's high?
Been in the ER for 3 hours now. This hospitals transition to paperless is not going well. But my doctor looks like Elton John and just gave me percocet
I'm just saying, margarita tuesday would turn anyone gay.
You were screaming across the bar "BUYING US SHOTS ISN'T GOING TO MAKE US STRAIGHT, YA KNOW!!!!!!!!"
Our funnel is on top of our neighbors roof.
Please say a prayer for the elevator people at work today. My farts are significantly more potent the day after hitting that korean place for lunch...
Why is it so hot and why are these the only pants in my life.
dying me prepared for dead me... i woke up with my laptop open to the last snl episode, a bottle of gatorade, advil and a bag of chocolate all next to me
I never thought in a million years that I would have a threesome with my boss and his wife and yet here we are.
She was going down on me before I had a chance to tell her I arrested her brother 3 hours earlier
The kid with the ed hardy shirt put a bunch of random shit in the washer and turned it on. example: a hanger, the movie Chocolate with Johnny Depp, and your mom's cat
You were yelling at them from the passenger seat saying you wanted your chicken for free because they couldn't prove it was from kentucky
It's okay to admit that you're into redheads.
Randomize
